


Secret Love Song

by gooseberries



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Closeted Alec Lightwood, Coming Out, Episode: s01e12 Malec - Wedding Scene, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Magnus Bane-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gooseberries/pseuds/gooseberries
Summary: Magnus was tired of stolen moments behind closed doors and longed for something more. He struggles to find open love with his angel while also facing the fact that he may very well lose Alexander to the same society that hid them away.





	Secret Love Song

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics in italics are from the song Secret Love Song part II by Little Mix dedicated to the LGBTQA+ community after the Orlando shooting.

_ We keep behind closed doors, stolen moments that we steal as the curtains fall. _

After several hundred years, it should be expected that Magnus Bane accepted that prejudice was a part of life. 

Living in Victorian London he’d faced prejudice for being Asian. He couldn’t go somewhere without someone making a comment about the bronze color of his skin and what that implied about him. It seemed that his status as non-Caucasian defined him more than any other trait he carried with him.

For most of his long life, Magnus was hated for being a Downworlder. It never slipped his notice when Shadowhunters would instantly be on their guard when they saw the telltale signs of magic. The period where the Nephilim stripped warlocks of their marks was a tough one where Magnus was silently grateful for a discrete mark he could easily glamour. The man constantly lived in fear of the Shadowhunters misinterpreting something he said and arresting him, simply because he was a Downworlder and anyone with demonic blood in their system should not be trusted.

Even after that, Magnus had faced hate for being bisexual. Though at time he was able to avoid it by having a woman on his arm, the stereotypes were flung at him with full force whenever he’d fallen for a man. He quickly learned not to care and it paid off because the mundanes and Downworlders seemed to catch on to the fact that it didn’t matter who someone loved as long as they were all decent people. The Nephilim hadn’t but it didn’t matter because Magnus had never associated with them.

Then Alexander Lightwood had none-too-gracefully stumbled into his life, changing everything. Ever since his time in London, Magnus had done his best to avoid Shadowhunters at all costs. If they didn’t trust him then he wouldn’t dare give them the time of day, especially after the entire Downworld was burned at the signing of the Accords in 1992 with the Circle’s uprising. Despite Magnus’s deep aversion to the entire race, Alexander had worked his way beyond Magnus’s walls and into his life for good. Or at least as long as they could have together. 

With the new relationship blooming, the warlock was once again reminded of the prejudice the world failed to rid itself of. “I understand. You live in a don’t ask-don’t tell society,” he returned to Alexander when the man hesitated at going on a date. He failed to understand the society but understood why Alexander couldn’t treat him like a proper boyfriend. Instead, they made do with little moments.

They could kiss in the safety of Magnus’s apartment when Alexander could make an excuse to stop there on his way home from a mission. When Magnus returned to the Institute to check the wards, he’d always make a stop at Alexander’s bedroom where the other man was inevitably waiting for the couple of minutes they could spare together without someone growing suspicious. Magnus grew to appreciate two minutes with his beloved because it was all they could manage.

_ Why can’t I hold you in the street? I wish that it could be like that because I’m yours. _

Magnus could remember vividly the first time he took Alec on a date. They’d gone to a Downworlder restaurant in hopes that his Alexander would feel comfortable enough to act like it was a true date. The warlock had admittedly grown tired of hiding behind closed doors when he’d effectively been out of the closet for decades. Even in a building no Shadowhunter would dare step foot in, his dear angel wouldn’t dare hold his hand. Alec had tensed as if Magnus’s hand burned to the touch when he’d tried to grab his hand over the table.

He wanted to be patient but Magnus also wanted his boyfriend. He wanted to let the world know how much he loved his Alexander and he wanted to feel loved by the man in return.

_ You and I both have to hide on the outside where I can’t be yours and you can’t be mine. I can’t stop these silent tears from rolling down. It’ll never be enough. _

At first the hiding added something interesting to the relationship. Magnus felt even more impassioned at the thought that they couldn’t be caught kissing, that they resorted to kissing in abandoned hallways of the Institute and those careful moments in Alec’s office between meetings. As time went on, though, Magnus only grew embittered at having to hide. It felt like he was hiding an integral part of his life behind a curtain. With every stolen moment Magnus wanted to tear the curtain away and announce to the Institute that Alexander was his to love.

Magnus knew better, though. In his life he’d been called hedonistic and completely selfish. Perhaps it was true in the past but never when it came to Alexander Lightwood. The warlock would continue to stay in the closet if it was right for Alec. He would never intentionally out someone if it wasn’t necessary. Magnus was aware of the stigma against gay Shadowhunters and that it could ruin the other man’s relationship with his family. As the eldest Lightwood Alec would likely be expected to marry a woman and bear children to carry on the name with pride. The warlock hated that he couldn’t give Alec that kind of life, he hated it with every fibre of his being.

The engagement occurred much sooner than expected. The breath was audibly sucked from Magnus’s chest as Izzy broke the news. It was foolish but Magnus had expected the stolen moments to last for a lifetime. He thought he had a few more good years with Alec before the other man was expected to be married off. The blow hit him even harder when the warlock found out it was Alec’s idea to remain hidden forever.

He would be lying if he said he didn’t cry that night. The apartment felt unbearably cold and lonely as he sat on the couch, drink in hand and tears carving paths through his carefully drawn-on makeup. Magnus Bane had his heart broken by a Nephilim and there was no way to stop the ache in his chest except to drink his consciousness away.

_ I don’t wanna love this way. I don’t wanna hide us away. I’m living for that day, someday. _

It was never the plan to storm the wedding. Magnus meant to live his life and try to forget his moments with Alec. He wanted to forget the hidden kisses and whispered affections if only to dull the ache in his chest. Instead, Izzy Lightwood of all people reminded Magnus of the hope for the future.

There would be a day in which Magnus could hold his Alexander in public. He could look Maryse Lightwood right in the face and tell her that he loved her son and they would be together no matter what she thought. The pair would have the bravery to stick it to the Clave and be out and open. Magnus could shout his love for the angel if he so chose. The warlock wouldn’t be limited to timed minutes in offices and literal closets.

If only he could convince Alec that there was hope.

_ I’m living for the day when you hold me in the street, when I can say I’m in love ‘cause I’m yours. I wish that we could be like that. _

Before Magnus knew what he was doing, the doors to the room were flung open and he was standing in the aisle. It seemed he caught the room at the right time for the woman, Lydia, was holding a stele just above his angel’s wrist, ready to claim him as hers for the rest of their lives. Alec had once confided in Magnus during one of their few moments alone that he longed to have a proper wedding and to be marked with the marriage rune. His Shadowhunter never thought he could have it. Magnus knew that he would make sure his Shadowhunter had anything he could ever want if it were possible, if only he could let everyone know that he loved him.

Maryse was there in front of him, ordering him to leave but Magnus only had eyes for one man; the man staring at him with wide eyes. Normally the warlock would have hated the show; it felt wrong even now to be looking at Alec with other eyes on them. Still, his determination allowed him to ignore the stares and whispers. All he had to do was keep looking at Alec and he could do anything. “Maryse, this is between me and your son. I’ll leave if he asks me to.” He had no idea where the steel in his voice came from for he felt more nervous than anything. What if this backfired and his Alexander actually asked him to leave? What if their someday never did arrive?

Even from that far away Magnus could see the fear in Alec’s stance. He may not see his expression, but the tension in the man’s shoulders and the way he shifted as he stood was enough. After so long being with him, Magnus had begun to notice Alec’s tells. Then Alec’s eyes were off of Magnus and he was talking with the woman, so quietly that Magnus couldn’t hear a word. He began to doubt the situation but could do nothing but stand in the aisle and pray to whomever would listen that he wouldn’t lose his angel in this way.

Then Alec was staring at him again and the world focused. Not one word had passed between them but suddenly the warlock knew. This was it, this was everything Magnus had wanted and more. He was standing in the Institute declaring his love for the Shadowhunter and in turn he felt the full force of Alec’s love. The man in the white suit hurried to him, even telling off his mother in the process. The next moment was a blur as Alec grabbed him and slammed their lips together. Magnus could feel the same hurried nature as when they were hiding away but now there were whispers all around them. Some of the Shadowhunters in the room were appalled at such a scene but the warlock couldn’t find it in himself to care. Alexander Lightwood had kissed him in public, in front of Maryse.

There was still much to be done. Alec had come out to his parents, effectively the entire Institute, but that didn’t mean he was ready to be completely public about their relationship. That was alright because for the moment Alexander was his. Alec was holding him in public and that meant the world to the warlock. Magnus could wait as long as necessary for the day when they could walk hand-in-hand together, when Magnus could give Alec the marriage rune he longed for without opposition from the Clave.

It wasn’t there yet, but Magnus and his Alexander’s someday was in clear sight and that made the secrets worthwhile.


End file.
